Fr. Desiderio García Martínez, O.Carm.
3.3 – Accompany
In Salamanca, at one of the Archa communities, I had the opportunity to get to know Jean Vanier, the founder of these communities, which are created together by healthy people with individuals with intellectual disabilities. In a recording we made back then and later transcribed, he spoke about the art of accompanying. His words fascinated me.
“For each of us... it is vital to have our own hidden space. Each person usually knows their boundaries and understands how far they extend. We must maintain a deep respect for this mystical space of the other, as it is essential for them. We should not, in our impatience, try to intrude upon it at all costs. Occasionally, great people visit the communities who immediately start accompanying others by taking someone by the hand and trying to lead them somewhere... Sometimes it truly moves a person, but in reality, it is an enormous insolence towards the other!!! As it utterly disrespects their mystical space. It is a fact that we often encounter individuals longing for love and highly sensitive to gestures. Such individuals need help finding their own space, but not by physically touching and caressing them. That is often the best way to [only] disturb them! Loving does not mean leading the other by the hand to ensure they do not stray from the path, or caressing them. Accompanying means much more... by accompanying, we help people to freedom, to become themselves, to discover their hidden beauty, and to realize that [they themselves] are a wellspring of life. Do not forget: sometime a person, while giving, can kill. They believe they love, yet in reality, they create a state of dependence that leads the individual to total frustration...”
To accompany means to awaken a certain challenge in the other. Accompanying is the art of walking together with another while respecting their mystical space. To love the person we accompany so that they are free and can love God and others in freedom, more than just the other (the formatter themselves). The formatter does not possess anyone. The one who accompanies sets themselves “to the side,” continually reminding the other: “You are not centered on me, but on God!” (But let us be aware that we must not on the other hand be overly suspicious of every relationship, as if it posed some danger. Do not create dramas where there are none. Let us think logically and account for the dynamics of the gospel, keeping in mind that there is a space in the heart of a person that can only be filled by God.) How much anguish – as far as emotions are concerned – do we sometimes find in formators and in formation houses! After all, a formatter should be an older brother, both in terms of life experiences and discipleship [towards Christ], who accompanies their younger brother and shares with him a piece of the journey and a piece of life. The “I” that is the focus here is relational I. Accompanying happens as in the pericope about the disciples traveling to Emmaus, which represents an icon of every accompaniment in faith (Lk 24). Above all, however, accompanying is [an act] in the style of the Holy Spirit, this beloved guest of the soul; it is about community with God.
Thus, mediating accompaniment requires that the formatter has “a bit of practical experience in the way of contemplation, in prayer, in brotherly life, and in apostolic service. A formatter is required to have a certain mental and spiritual maturity; they must be quite free from inner conflicts...” (RIVC 57). The desert fathers advise those who wish to lead others not to rush too much: “Do not teach prematurely, lest you be the one who does not understand your whole life!” (Apo 1082.) Our RIVC, when speaking in article 57 about the formatter's mission to accompany, emphasizes: “the formatter should not be a brother who has just completed their own initial formation.” Impatience does not benefit any employment. And thus it can rightly be said that even haste in assigning the service in formation is not good. Saint Teresa of Jesus repeatedly admonishes those who hastily wish to share the fruits of contemplation and who do not have any experience. She writes: “To accomplish something good, proven virtues are required” (Life 13,8). There is always time needed for ripening. Teresa describes such temptation as follows: “(The soul) in zeal’s fervor gives away in all directions and in handfuls its fruits (...) and does not heed that (...) its virtues are not solid enough” (Life 19,14; 17,2). And elsewhere she writes: “(For even when the soul is already in this stage [of its spiritual journey]), let it not trust so much that it will venture into battle, for it will have enough to do to defend itself!” (Life 19,13.) It is a serious warning for those who tend to hastily and heedlessly share the fruits of contemplation in spiritual accompaniment. Saint Teresa adds that anyone who shares the fruits of contemplation too soon and does not wait until they are ripe, will cause those who they are nourishing to experience true spiritual diarrhea! No one who has not themselves experienced spiritual accompaniment and care can accompany and care for others. A significant teacher of the desert fathers, Saint Evagrius, says: “Whoever has been bitten by a snake feels much less pain when they tell someone who has also experienced being bitten by a snake.” RIVC in article 58b summarizes what has been said. “The formatter themselves is a brother on the path to an ideal that is never fully attained. They know from experience the joys and struggles of the path to which God has called them and which He now calls others. This enables them to understand the candidates entrusted to them, to share in their joys and sufferings, and to accompany them wisely as one who knows this path well.”
The task of accompaniment is to provide quality “food” (see RIVC 58c), and not to poison (with something toxic). In the guise of feeding someone, we would actually offer them a poisoned apple like Snow White. Why these remarks from Saint Teresa? The saint notes that she always preferred educated people (see Life 5,3). For a long time, she could not find such a confessor, on the contrary, she suffered from encountering only “frightened half-scholars,” of whom she remarks: “they always charge me dearly” (5H 1,8). At another time, she laments the distrust from the spiritual leader and confessor, who was advised by his superior at a certain opportunity: “not to lead me on such a narrow path, but to allow the Lord’s Spirit to act” (Life 33,8).
What qualities, according to Saint Teresa, define the formatter in the role of accompanying? They should be educated, a spiritual person or one with some experience (on the spiritual journey), and they should be prudent (see Life 13,6), so as to strengthen the desire for responsibility in the person being accompanied while respecting the stages and pace of their growth (see RIVC 57b). “I have also encountered souls that were like bound and tormented by the inexperience of those who were leading them, and it was disappointing” (Life 13,14). Elsewhere, she writes about these accompanied individuals: “For hardly had they set out on a journey, and already they are expected to fly... Many souls fall into error when they wish to fly before the Lord gives them wings” (Life 31,17–18). To the one who accompanies and places excessive demands on them, Teresa advises: it is not appropriate “to lead to perfection by force of arms” (in the spirit of voluntarism), but one should approach with perspective and: “proceed slowly, until the matter is taken into the hands of the Lord...” (Book of Foundations 18,10.) She places special emphasis on absolute attention to the person in question. She writes: “We must adapt to what we see in the souls,”1 and urges that the accompanying person act with deep respect, humanity, and a certain flexibility, and that they do not constrain the soul entrusted to them, for someone greater than them is already guiding it. “Therefore, let them nicely refrain from limiting the souls’ ascents,2 for if they reach this height, a greater teacher leads them, so they are not without a guide” (Life 34,11). Well known is the incident when Jerome Gracián reprimanded Saint Teresa of Jesus and expressed his concern about what would be said about the fact that Teresa spiritually accompanies others. Saint Teresa replied without reservations and very realistically: “Do you not know that any soul, even the most perfect, must have some outlet? Allow me to keep this one, for no matter how much you might object, I do not intend to change the way I use it.”3
Accompaniment is a reality that cannot be programmed. The effort for spiritual accompaniment involves a whole series of dispositions (see RIVC 58b): inner calm (equilibrium), willingness, patience, deep respect for the candidate's conscience, knowledge of psychology and pedagogy, sensitivity to the culture or subculture of the one being formed, etc. Trust in the formator is born from the trust of the one formed in God. Obedience (to the formator) arises from their obedience to God, and this for one simple reason. Only God is worthy of faith, not us ordinary mortals, and only to God belongs [as a rightful authority to whom it is necessary to submit] something as sacred as the human will. The formator [in and of themselves] is not worthy of obedience from others! However (we still operate in the area of mediation), the one who does not want to submit and does not want to depend on anyone, who in fear of losing their own freedom is unable to open up to anyone, often ends up – and does not even realize it – as a slave to countless things and people. And especially as a slave to their own fear. “Whoever trusts too much displays a lack of discernment, but the one who does not trust anyone has even less of this ability.” With this, I want to indicate that I submit to another, a mediator, to become obedient to God. RIVC reminds us in article 58b that the one accompanying – the formator helps the candidate in their personal growth primarily through “a personal conversation that should be conducted regularly and at certain intervals, as this is a necessary and effective, proven practice.”
If education is a matter of the Father and formation can be included in the scope of the Son, accompaniment points us towards the Holy Spirit. From the side of the one accompanying, “guidance is actually nothing more than directing to hear and listen to our true Guide – the Holy Spirit, hidden in the depths of our soul. We must never forget that in reality we are not guided and taught by people, and if we need human ‘guidance’, it is only because without human help we are unable to connect with the Holy Spirit, from whom ‘you have an anointing... and know all things’ (see 1 John 2:20; Czech Ecumenical Translation).”4 The purpose of accompaniment is to awaken in the other the desire to surrender their life.
Translated from Spanish by Jaroslava Kučerová
