Teresa of Ávila (1515–1582)
Sometimes it happened to me – as it does now, although much less frequently – that such heavy anxieties and such piercing bodily torment fell upon me that I did not know what to do. When nothing tormented my spirit, I cheerfully endured even much greater bodily pains. However, when both came simultaneously, it was true martyrdom. At that time, I forgot about the graces I had received, which I remembered only as a distant dream that only increased my suffering.
My reason was clouded, I struggled with thousands of doubts and anxieties, so it seemed to me that I could not understand what was happening within me, and that perhaps everything was just an illusion. I even thought to myself: Why should I deceive others too? Isn't it enough that I have deceived myself? It seemed to me that I was so depraved that I thought all the evils and delusions in the world were the result of my sins.
It was clearly a hunchbacked humility that the devil had instilled in my heart to disturb me and see if he could drag me to despair. However, I had learned so well by now when it was the devil that he no longer tormented me on this point as often as before, because he saw that I knew his snares.
This hunchbacked humility creates confusion and unrest from the moment it enters the soul, so it writhes between darkness and dryness the entire time it lasts, tormenting it, making it incapable of prayer or doing anything good. It seems to suffocate the soul and binds the body by preventing both from acting.
In the case of true humility, this is not so. The soul that possesses it recognizes that it is nothing, suffers from its own wretchedness, exaggerates its own wickedness much more than the devil can do in the previous case, and sees that all of this is true; nevertheless, it does not fall into confusion, does not become anxious, and has no darkness or dryness, but peace, joy, light, and a blissful feeling: in short, the complete opposite of what comes from the devil. The torment that it feels encourages it, for it appears to it as a great grace from God, with which it can advance even further. While it pains her on one side that she has offended the Lord, on the other side she is strengthened by the thought of His mercy. And if the light that fills her embarrasses her, it also compels her to praise the divine Majesty that has borne with her for so long.
In the humility from the devil, there is no light for any good and it seems as if God casts everything into fire and punishes with blood, because nothing is seen but His justice. Even if the devil cannot completely remove faith in God's mercy, this not only fails to comfort, but becomes a reason for greater suffering because the person feels more indebted before him.
In my opinion, this is one of the most refined, best-masked, and tormenting tricks that the devil knows how to invent.
(Life 30,8–10)
