Two weeks after I signed that false document and thus confessed to things I had never committed, I learned the punishment for my "crimes" – fifteen years of forced labor. At least, I thought to myself, the torment of interrogations was over. I even looked forward to Siberia and hard work. Physical suffering simply had to be endured. I longed for the day when I would leave prison and be transferred to a labor camp. But this was not meant to be. I was destined for another four years of interrogations and trials in Lubyanka before God finished tuning and purifying my soul. (…)
I felt trapped. The mistake I had made by signing the materials was now to serve as leverage to push me further. It seemed that the future was hopelessly defined by this moment of failure. I was so desperate that even prayer seemed impossible. Instead, I reproached God for not sparing me further suffering. (…)
Suddenly, the thought of our Lord's anguish in the Garden of Gethsemane brought me comfort. "Abba, Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me!... Yet not what I will, but what you will."… How remarkable a treasure and source of strength and comfort the agony of our Lord became for me in that moment! It was not just identification with God's will, but a complete surrender associated with relinquishing all human fears, all doubts about my own ability to endure the coming torment, surrendering my entire being including doubts about myself. I completely gave up my last effort, even my will to hold the reins of my own life. I must call it a conversion.
(Walter J. Ciszek SJ /1904–1984/, He Leads Me, Chapter 7)
